Taylor shows why the usual goal setting approach doesn't work
I posted a clip on Instagram from the Miss Americana documentary featuring Taylor Swift. In it, she shares how her entire moral code (as a child and now) can be summarized as a need to be thought of as good. She said it was all she wanted, the total belief system she subscribed to as a kid (being a good girl).
Many of us internalize messages about being a good girl (or boy). These become beliefs about the way the world works that we accept as true. And they get translated into unconscious rules that our brain uses to decide what to do. Rules like:
👭 “Never let people down.”
😓 “Never let them see you sweat.”
👩🏫 “Always be a good girl.”
The problem with goal setting is that when our goals are unexamined, they are often wrapped up in either old programming about what success looks like OR a patriarchal/capitalistic worldview that has us going after things that aren’t actually going to help us get what we really, truly want.
But we don’t know all of this when we are defining our goals and imagining our dream life…
The typical method for goal setting looks like this:
Write a goal (usually a result or outcome we’d like to have). Post it on your wall or make a note in your phone to remember your inspiring vision. (You are super excited at this point, energized to get after what we want.)
Make a list of the things that are getting in the way of having what we want - the things we are doing wrong. These are all the things you wish you could change about yourself. (Often the excitement dips into skepticism a bit here. Which is why we immediately jump into problem-solving mode…)
Identify new behaviors that will get you to your goal. Brainstorm all of the things you wish you were doing instead. Maybe even create reminders on your calendar to help you focus. (Energy tends to go up as you rekindle hope that you can…)
Be different - basically try harder and be more disciplined.
And when we inevitably fall short (because these goals are often a catch-22 where you can’t really win), we blame ourselves. And we vow to be even more disciplined or to find a new tool, often looking at others who seem to have it figured out and asking about their tricks or formulas. But for most people, within a few months, they can’t even tell you what their goal was…
What if this whole approach is actually why you can’t seem to make progress on the goals that really matter to you?
(Spoiler: research confirms that somewhere between 9-13% of people are able to make progress on goals, even when they are in life-or-death situations. This is why I work with my clients to approach change through a different lens, one that helps them understand what is holding them back from making progress and aligns with how their brain actually works.)
