The different ways we try to get what we want, if misunderstood, can be a source of conflict or confusion on teams. Understanding how your team is wired can help reduce friction on your team and help build a solid foundation of trust.

The Enneagram system offers insight into different ways to better understand others beyond the 9 personality styles - e.g., by looking at the dominant instincts, centers of intelligence, social interaction styles, or conflict resultion styles. Each of these represent a different facet on a prism - a way of looking at why we do the things we do and what our natural preferences are.

I find it helpful to explore the social interaction styles and the conflict resolution styles together- because the social styles help describe how we go about getting our needs met, and the conflict styles describe what happens when we don’t get what we want. So today we’ll explore the social styles and tomorrow we will look at the conflict styles.

Our personality has specific strategies it will deploy to try to meet our needs, and if you are working with someone that has a different style than you, it can create lots of opportunities to misinterpret eachother or make assumptions about their motivations that make it feel personal.

The Social Interaction Styles

Essentially the social styles describe how you try to get our needs met in relationships and by your surrounding environment. The styles are based on the work of psychoanalyst Karen Horney who identified three fundamental ways in which people pursue their desires and attempt to solve inner conflicts.

• Assertive (Types 3/7/8) - People with an assertive social style “move against” the world in an independent, energetic way, going out of their way to get what they want and need. They find challenges energizing and like to get to the point and get things done. They tend to demand that they get what they want with an approach that is active and direct. Their response to resistance is often to push harder, rather than to slow down or reflect.

  This means that these types are doers - they are quick to take action to get things moving and resolve situations. They aren’t afraid to speak their mind and they do not stand around waiting for someone else to give it to them. They are generally upbeat and optimistic and like to be in control so they can keep things moving. They bring a high level of energy to the things they do, which makes it easy to get others excited about their ideas.

• Compliant (Types 1/2/6) - People with a compliant social style “move towards” the world, going along with established norms, rules, or ways of doing things. These types respond to stress by consulting their superego to find out what is the RIGHT thing to do. They want to do what is expected of them within boundaries or limitations and appreciate clear expectations from others.

  They are warm, supportive types who tend to be people-pleasers. They naturally “lean in” to read the needs of others, and like to be helpful. It is as though they are trying to earn something by being dutiful and cooperative in their efforts to get what they want and need.

  Being a compliant type doesn’t mean you are a pushover. It should be noted that these types are compliant to the demands of their superegos, not necessarily to other people. They try to obey internalized rules and principles they learned in childhood - in fact, they can be overly focused on social rules and norms, which can be pretty irritating to the people around them.

• Withdrawn (Types 4/5/9) - People with a withdrawn social style are said to “move away” from the world because they tend to look inward and become contemplative in their efforts to get what they want. They may need time and space to process and share their ideas and prefer to disengage and deeply consider issues before responding.

  These types are thoughtful, self-contained, and often introverted. Their focus is internal, but they are also broad thinkers who are strategic. They are independent and not aggressive, often feeling like their presence doesn’t make a difference. They struggle with speaking up or expressing themselves in groups, and they can zone out into their imaginations easily. This means that they can struggle to get into action.

Reflection:

Now that you know about these different social interaction styles, you can start to look for these patterns playing out in your relationships at work and at home. What is your default style, and how might it be different than the person you are working with? Is it possible that the thing that rubs you the wrong way is just their natural way of going after what they want?

It is easy to assume that someone is being rude or thoughtless (or uptight or aggressive) when their style is different than yours. The more factual you can be with yourself about what was said or done, the less drama the story will have for you.

Up Next:

Now that you understand the default ways people try to get what they want, what happens when they don’t get what they want? Next, we will look at the conflict resolution styles. Stay tuned…

(Style descriptions are adapted from the Integrative Enneagram for Practitioners by Dirk Cloete, The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Riso and Hudson, and Ginger Lapid-Bogda’s writings.)

If you’d like to learn more about the Enneagram personality types, you can download my free guide here.