What do you do when you get frustrated because things aren’t going your way?

• Do you explode or raise your voice in order to be heard?

• Do you want to explore how people are feeling or rehash what happened?

• Do you put your head down and work harder?

• Do you try to see the bright side and go into positivity mode?

How does your partner or coworker react under pressure?

Very few people actually want to get into a fight with others. When you find yourself in the midst of conflict, things can get messy in your head. That’s because your limbic system gets activated and you have a harder time accessing that part of your brain that is rational, logical, and able to take multiple perspectives.

While we use a variety of strategies to deal with frustrating situations, there tends to be one style that you default to when you find yourself in the heat of battle. It is helpful to remember that others come at situations from a different perspective on the best way to resolve tension or move things forward. Let’s explore the three conflict styles in more depth so that you can better understand the people you work with.

Three conflict resolutions styles

Conflict resolution styles describe what happens when we don’t get what we want. Each Enneagram type has a slightly different focus or reason for their outlook or response, but generally they can be categorized into three groups:

• Optimistic (9/7/2) - Types 9, 7, and 2 fit within the optimistic triad because they all have a positive outlook. They have this positive overlay on reality that makes things look better than they actually are. They make the best of any challenge and can take a broad view of a problem - where most of the time things don’t seem to be such a big deal. These types will find hope, even in dark times, and are able to keep spirits up and keep going. This group tends to default to a stance where they deny that they even have a problem.

• Competent (1/3/5) - Types 1, 3, and 5 fit into the competency triad because they are natural problem solvers. They want to be competent as well as be seen and treated as highly competent by others. They are good at long-term planning and keeping themselves and their teams on track to reach their goal. When faced with a conflict or challenge, they stay civil and immediately strategize to find solutions. This group tends to cut off feelings and solve problems rationally, when possible.

• Intense (4/6/8) - Types 4, 6, and 8 fit into the intense triad because they share an emotional realness that makes them the most intense of the Enneagram types. They react strongly to conflict and need to get a response from others. Their intensity comes from different sources depending on their type (emotional, mental, or somatic). Generally, they have strong likes and dislikes - you will hear from them about it because they rarely hold back. In conflicts and challenges, these types first want to process their feelings and they can be skilled at drawing out the emotions of others too. However, can have difficulty moving forward and may spiral into endless conflict and processing, keeping the team from finding solutions.

You don’t have to know about the Enneagram to start working with these different conflict resolution styles. However, knowing your specific Enneagram type can also help you better understand what triggers you and where your special sensitivities are. Where are there going to be those tender places in your heart where someone might not even directly say something, but it hints of it and it will hurt?

Knowing the Enneagram types of your coworkers can help you better understand why people react the way they do. It can also provide clues on what to say when you find yourself in a tense situation.

One of the things I do with teams is to map out the different styles to visually see the team dynamics. Knowing this about your coworkers can help you make decisions about the ways you want to work together and what you’d like to see change by establishing new norms and standards. When a team opens up to this type of exploration, the clarity that emerges can be a game changer for establishing trust and rapport.

(Style descriptions are adapted from the Integrative Enneagram for Practitioners by Dirk Cloete, The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Riso and Hudson, and Ginger Lapid-Bogda’s writings.)

If you’d like to learn more about how different types respond to conflict or what to do and say to them in the moment, check out my free ebook, Why Are They Doing That?, here.