Is it possible to be too polite or nice on your team? Absolutely.

In this video we explore the main reason why teams struggle to develop rapport and trust (and it is a bit counter-intuitive).

Believe it or not - The main issue teams face when they are dealing with a lack of trust is that they tend to be conflict-avoidant.

Doesn’t that seem backwards? You’d think that by keeping things nice and avoiding any potentially devisive issues, you’d be creating a more safe environment for your team to get stuff done. But in fact, avoiding conflict can signal that it isn’t safe to disagree or speak up.

Psychological safety is one of two key determinants of high-peformance on teams...

And when there is a lack of psychological safety - no one is willing to risk putting their neck out because they don’t want to look ignorant, intrusive, negative, or incompetent.

When it comes to conflict at work, most people make the mistake of avoiding it if they can. The problem with not speaking up and addressing issues in real time is that you miss an opportunity for connection and learning. And over time, these little pinches accumulate and eventually become a real problem that hurts the efficiency of your team and causes you a lot of stress personally.

Conflict-avoidant team members avoid surfacing difficult issues. They think:

• It isn’t such a big deal, maybe it’ll go away.

• Maybe they know something I don’t know, it’ll probably be fine.

• I don’t have time to deal with this now. I’ll deal with this later.

• I don’t want to hurt their feelings. They are so sensitive and I’m not sure how they will take this.

• Its just too much energy - i don’t have it in me today.

• It is more efficient to avoid this topic all together and find a work around.

• This person isn’t going to like what I have to say - I don’t want to risk a verbal lashing.

And I get it. Conflict is one of the most stressful aspects of organizational life. People clash about almost everything - resources, strategy, decisions, goals, roles, rewards, culture, power, leadership style, inclusion, personality….

Initiating these conversations feels risky and takes a certain amount of clarity and energy that you might not have most days.

And we are culturally conditioned to defer to authority and not to trust our inner knowing. So it’s easy to believe that someone else might know better or it isn’t worth raising an issue that might result in conflict.

But here’s the truth: all high-performing teams have a relationship to conflict where they invite it as a tool for growth.

Can you think of a time when you dreaded having a conversation, but you left feeling lighter because you came to a new understanding?

In the same way that conflict can be productive way to build connection in your personal life, organizationally it is an invitation to connect and learn.

And it is easy to see how when conflict is left unresolved, it tends to fester and grow and eventually damage both the individuals involved and the organization.

I like how Ginger Lapid-Bogda describes the different approaches to conflict in her book Bringing Out the Best in Yourself at Work. Some people think of conflict like you are in a boxing ring - a struggle that ends with a winner and a loser. Others feel a storm brewing and they dread the tumultuous, unpredictable, and intense nature of conflict but know that it always ends.

But there are other ways to frame conflict that might be more useful. You could look at it like a broken bridge - something became disconnected or damaged but is repairable when people talk through their differences and share information. And you could even view conflict like the birth of a star - where some exceptional growth and development can emerge from the heat of conflict.

High-performing team members know that conflict is a part of life, even at work. And instead of avoiding conflict or initiating aggressive confrontations - they know it is far better to prevent conflict when possible, de-escalate it once it emerges, and deal with it constructively under all circumstances.

And the cool thing is that having the understanding of your Enneagram personality styles can help provide insights that make it easier to deal with conflict when it does show up.

I created a free download to help you navigate conflict using insights from the Enneagram personality types. You can find that at michellekayanderson.com/conflict. In it you will find information on common triggers and stressors so you can start to anticipate issues for your team, as well as things to say or do when you find yourself in the heat of battle.

Some of you might be thinking - “But my team isn’t dealing with a ton of conflict right now. Is this work the best use of our time as a team?”

To that I say: YES! For two reasons.

1. The lack of conflict is not evidence that things are going well - it could be that people aren’t comfortable speaking up.

2. the goal with this work is to help you stay out of the danger zone, rather than having to hire a consultant to help get your team out of trouble later. Our intention here is preventative - it is much more work to come in and help teams when they are experiencing acute problems than to help them create safe containers to explore things as they come up.

So go download that free resource and open up to the possibility that conflict may be the very thing that creates trust and rapport on your team.